The Rocky Mountain Collegian

August 27th, 2007

Summer Review: the Focus Group

The scene is a well lit office room with a circle of chairs oriented in the middle. Movie Industry enters with a big stupid grin on his face, obviously pleased with the record breaking ticket sales over the summer. He is followed shortly by Consumer’s Brain and Consumer’s Balls. They all seat themselves in the central chairs and wait. Finally, the market researcher, Joe, enters and greets everyone warmly.

Joe : Welcome everyone, and thanks for coming to our market research meeting. If there aren’t any questions I would like for us to begin.

Movie Industry : Yeah, I got a question for ya’ mister business man. Is there anything sexier in this room than me? Hell no! I’m the prettiest friggin’ runaway freight train ever!

Balls : Hahaha! This guy is a riot! And he’s unstoppable!

Joe clears his throat, attempting to ignore the outburst.

Joe: Thanks… Movie Industry. Okay, so I’d like to ask you all a round of three questions. Just answer truthfully and honestly please. First question: What was the best movie of the summer?

Movie Industry : Oh yeah, I got this one. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 was incredible. It had pirates and explosions and hot chicks…

Brain : And an obscenely long convoluted plot that was obviously written during filming…

Balls: …and a midget firing a blunderbuss!!! Ahahaha!! That is humor! I was totally sold in like… the first five minutes. Great flick!

Brain : What? The plot of that movie was a deal breaker! Was I the only one that noticed how awful and long it was?

Movie Industry: Heh! ‘fraid so lobe face! Balls knows what he likes, and what he likes is action, special effects and tiny people shooting big ass guns!

Brain slumps down in her chair with disappointment.

Joe : Interesting. Very good, keep this level of conversation up people. Next question: What was the biggest letdown of the summer?

Brain : I’d say that goes without contest to Transformers. Sure it had incredible special effects, but come on! This is one of the rare occasions where I’m pretty sure a movie would have been better if all of the people were taken out of it. The script and plot were so bad that I would almost prefer the original, poorly translated japanese anime. And that Megan Fox girl? She’s beautiful but… ouch… just… ouch.

Balls : Megan Fox! Hot chick… wooooo! And she knows how to fix cars too! Hot!

Movie Industry : Well I’m glad somebody appreciated all the effort I put into that one. How could you possibly argue with all that stuff? Big robots beating the piss out of each other not good enough for ya’?

Brain : Are you kidding me? I’m pretty sure I could hear Michael Bay pleasuring himself in the background while I was watching the film. The biggest mistake they made was getting that monkey to direct.

Movie Industry : Pffft, whatever. Bay’s a solid dude and he knows what he likes and how to put what he likes in movies. I mean, if I didn’t have him, who would I throw all that money at? Nowhere, that’s where!

Joe : Alright, there’s no need for you all to get rowdy in here. I’ll just move on to the last question: What was the biggest surprise of the summer?

Movie Industry : There were no surprises for ME, that’s for sure. Everything just hit like a ton o’ bricks. I’m tellin’ ya, there’s no stoppin’ me!

Balls: Haha! Hell yeah. Hell yeah! Bourne Ultimatum rocked!!!

Brain : Bah, I’m gonna… wait a second, what?

Movie Industry : Darn tootin’ Bourne rocked. Rogue agent on a bloody mission of revenge? Don’t get better than that!

Brain sits with a look of disbelief on her face.

Brain : That movie had… an amazingly well designed plot, a wonderful script, solid acting… and we all agree that it was good?

Movie Industry : Yessireebob! It might not have reeled in quite as much cash as the other scorchers this summer, but man. It was one quality show!

Balls : Yeah man! Totally cool story and action!

Joe : Well I’m glad you can all agree on something today. Thanks again to all of you and your great input today. You’ve all been a big help.

Brain : Sure, glad I could be of help.

Movie Industry : I ain’t through kickin’ ass yet! Not by a long shot!

Balls : Heh… oh yeah. And when that guy got sniped in the head, it like… exploded! It was awesome!!

Exeunt

(Welcome back Rams! I hope you all had as great a summer as I did. I’m back with more movie and media blogging this year, so stay tuned!)

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