The Rocky Mountain Collegian

March 27th, 2007

You there! Yes, you! Shut up.

So the 2006 elections ended almost 5 months ago, and I’m sure everyone wasn’t satisfied with the turnout of the elections. The Democrats got their governor Bill Ritter in along with control of the Congress (the Senate, while technically a Democrat majority now, has had some difficulties staying that way, what with Tim Johnson’s hemorrhage and Lieberman considering a party switch), whereas the Republicans got Musgrave reelected and Amendment 43 passed.

Alright, the results are in, and since Al Gore is out of the election picture, there wasn’t a recount to be had that really mattered. That’s fine and dandy. But remember what had to be done to get all these votes to turn out: Political attack ads.

“Rick O’Donnel is another vote for George Bush’s agenda,” “Angie Paccione never paid off her student loans,” “don’t vote for Wrong-Way Ritter or Both-Ways Bob,” “My arms are tired after explaining Referendum I!”

It grew to be ever so tiresome to listen to the same mindless drivel everyday while trying to watch your favorite episode of Scrubs. Not to mention that all the ads were probably done by the same emo propaganda creator with an eyepatch that only reads headlines of news stories.

So just for the fun of it, let’s make our own political attack ad. Here’s what we need:

• Creepy minimalist music, along with horror movie sound effects.
• Some random fact(s) about the person/event/action that gives it a negative image (usually found on the first page of hits when you search for “X is the devil” on Google)
• Advertise who paid for the ad
• Have some f-ed up intro line that leads to your “negative image random fact(s)”
• Have a deep voiced man read the script.

Ready? Go!

 *cue the intro music to the movie Halloween*

- As read by James Earl Jones:

     “What would you do for a Klondike bar? Hopefully nothing. Because people who eat Klondike bars are fat, are members of the KKK, and also kick puppies. Just a few reasons to not support this capitalist corporate hog. This message has been brought to you by The American Communist Party.”

Hot damn, guys, I think I have a new line of work made for me! That was hella easy!

But moving on. We’ve had these elections, and if you haven’t read a paper, been online checking Facebook, or haven’t had any outside contact with anyone over past five months, there’s already talk and polling about who will be the next president of the United States.

Newsflash, morons: It’s 2007. We have nine months left to go in a year where we don’t even get to vote a new president in (unless you’re one of those wacky moveon.org characters that has the “Pelosi ‘07” bumper stickers). In 2007 we’ll probably get to be bombarded by tax issue attack ads instead, what fun! After this year’s over, we will then have ELEVEN months until judgment day for voting on the next president.

Take a chill pill, you guys. The voters are still going to be here 10 months from now. Actually, this early candidacy is a turn off to me, making me not only loathe and despise you even more, but also not want to vote for you anyway. That actually doesn’t apply to Hillary, I’ve loathed and despised her way before she ever became a senator, so her “chat” ads are just icing to my “Hate Hillary” cake.

Let me put this in layman’s terms: It’s too early to be talking about the next president right now. Way too early. While I wasn’t a big politico back in 2004 or 2000, I am pretty positive that the decision-making for presidential candidates wasn’t until much closer to the election than it is right now.

Are people really that eager to get the current president out of office? The economy is on the way up, the war is looking better by the day, and there hasn’t been a terrorist attack on American soil for over 5 years, and we want to end all this awesome fun by deciding the next person in line already? Bush’s poll numbers are in the 40s (given, they’re the low 40s…), and people want to oust him like he was some kind of corrupt evil 9/11 mastermind warmonger oil-baron (I kid you not, people actually think this about him); even though plenty of people say he’s retarded as well, which doesn’t sound like it fits perfectly into the corrupt evil 9/11 mastermind warmonger oil-baron labeling, if you ask me. You can’t be both retarded and a mastermind in my book (zing!).

Truman had worse poll numbers, but I can’t imagine these hideous names being placed on him and the early decision-making of candidates in the 50s. Then again, the people of the ’50s had morals and respect, but we have the media to thank for that!

Instead, we get declarations of candidacy by Barack Hussein Obama, Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, and Mitt Romney (and probably Ralph Nader, he’s the only one that ever runs on the Green Party ticket every presidential election it seems) by the start of this year. “When you go to the polls in 20 months, vote for me!” I’ll write that down…

Attack ads are already in full swing. Hillary drew first blood with her “let’s have a chat” ads (Hillary, why do you look like a man? Let’s chat about that).

Barack Hussein Obama began his attacks when one of his supporters put out a “Hillary 1984” attack ad on YouTube. It’ll only be a matter of time until McCain comes out with a “I’m going to torture my Republican opponents in a way that’s legal to use on political opponents, but illegal to use on terrorists” type of attack ad. Hillary’s done something kinda like that already with her “I’m going to deck my opponent’s” statement.

Is it so hard to ask our politicians to just shut up for 6 months so that we Americans can get on with our lives: attending baseball games, going on road trips, reading a book (Playboy doesn’t count), playing Halo 2, slashing tires. You know, the usual American stuff. Give us a break from all your “Vote for me in two years” speeches.

Besides, I want Lance Armstrong to run. He’ll beat the French for good this time!

So to all you presidential hopefuls and the parroting media: Shut up, my favorite episode of Scrubs is on.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 27th, 2007 at 10:44 am and is filed under Editable Constitution. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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