Rocky Mountain Collegian – Blogs
September 6th, 2007
Miss Teen South Carolina: Epitome of a blonde
“Recent polls show a fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?”
What answer would have if you were asked such a question? Try these ones on for size:
-Because these one fifth of Americans are infants. They’d be lucky to locate the map in the first place, let alone barf on it.
-Because one fifth of Americans are pulling your (the pollsters’) leg, and want to skew the results
-Because one fifth of Americans are un-American hippies, and refuse to locate the “bastion of imperialism/evil/Bush” for the sake of the planet.
-Because one fifth of Americans are stupid.
-Because one fifth of Americans attended a public school where geography and basic education were not required.
-Because the US isn’t on an Old World map.
-Because one fifth of Americans, in a desperate attempt to look macho during the poll, noticed that you can’t spell “Colorado” with a “U” and an “S.”
-Because they were too busy banging their teacher.
-Because the schools that one fifth of Americans went to are so poorly funded that maps were removed to cut costs/save the environment. You know, along with textbooks, music classes, PE, cafeteria lunch, teachers that were too good for the school and demanded way to much money… After all, they couldn’t just ask their parents, which would just be weird.
Or my favorite:
-The ones that can’t locate it on a map are blind! Wait…
Biased wording aside (it was a loaded question to begin with), this question was too much for our good friend, Miss Teen South Carolina, a.k.a. Lauren Caitlin Upton. When asked why one fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a map, she mustered up all of her wisdom in her skull full and mush and said (drum roll please!):
“I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should - our education over here in the US should help the US - or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”
“And that’s why we’re all gonna die…” - Mike Birbiglia
Sorry honey, “the Iraq” ain’t got nothin’ to do with locating the US on a map. Either you know where it is, or you don’t. How we fund school systems in South Africa only helps the South Africans, not Lexington High School (where Ms. Upton graduated).
To think that this is the kind of final product Americans are creating nowadays makes you feel uneasy, doesn’t it? Now Ms. Upton does have a case when she said she was overwhelmed and only heard a few words of the question, but it’s way more funny to talk about what happened before her explanation. It’s kind of like when liberals make jokes about Rush Limbaugh’s so-called “drug addiction,” and quickly ignore his explanation and response.
Am I just beating a dead horse by saying that she gave the blond response to a question? Yes. Will I be getting hate mail because I’m being mean? Yes. But does it feel oh so good (After all, “do what makes you happy”)? Yes.
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