The Rocky Mountain Collegian

February 23rd, 2007

Incinerated Space Garbage: A Landfill’s Dream

Ah yes, we’ve all had dreams of being the president. Just the thought of being the leader of the single greatest country in the world, having half the country adore you and the other half loathe you, flying on Air Force One while drinking presidential martinis, it just makes you giddy, doesn’t it? So begins my hypothetical dream world of where I would be president.

There would be one issue that would define my presidency. It wouldn’t be fighting a war over in Russia, Europe, Venezuela, China, or Iran, nor would it be arguing that a social issue, like allowing marriage between aborted fetuses and gay people as long as both parties are happy, is unconstitutional. Not even wild impeachment proceedings would define my presidency, where I would be called up on unsubstantiated charges of hacking against other players on CounterStrike.

The one issue that would define my presidency, ladies and non-ladies, would be an issue that most everyone seems to be very mum about: garbage control.

Landfills are getting ever bigger, and we’re looking for new and interesting places to stash our trash. Incineration, while a tempting quick-fix that could bring a ray of hope to cold hoboes, will only cause uproar among aging liberal hippies, who would prefer we live with our waste instead of part ways with it (see Van der Syn, Sim).

There is also the “sweep it under the rug” idea. This can also be known as apathy, “turning the blind eye syndrome,” or “Bill Clinton when facing terrorism-esque” — just forget about it, it isn’t a problem, don’t change what’s happening. Let the landfills get bigger, and when one of them fills up, make a new one. Apathy, you see, is for lazy bum college dropouts who don’t pay their part of the rent and would prefer to spend their time playing World of Warcraft instead (before you draw any conclusions: CounterStrike is a full contact sport), not elected officials, and especially not the president.          

Nay, I have a much better idea. You see that bright object in the daylight sky, the one that turns blue and destroys your retinas if you stare at it long enough? That, my friends, is called the sun. Thanks to progress made during the ’60s and ’70s in the areas of space travel, we can launch men into space, or at least fake it really well in a studio.

My idea? Build a massive rocket, capable of storing an entire landfill easily, build it out of cheap materials (possibly even garbage?), give it enough rocket fuel to exit Earth’s orbit, aim it at that burning ball of gas, “fire ze missiles,” and watch it get burned up by our happy little friend Mr. Sun. Rinse and repeat until satisfied.

If I get calls about incinerated space garbage causing global warming, I’ll have to hold my head and sigh at the oversensitivity of these people. “Incinerated space garbage kills polar bears!” No it doesn’t, now go fill up your landfill’s rocket.

Think about it. Not only could it revamp the space program, but we could catch up in the “garbage space race” to those pesky aliens who have been doing this exact same thing since before cavemen were beating cavewomen over the head with their caveclubs! I mean, what’s the sun going to do? It’s already getting bigger without our help, and given the size difference between the sun and a rocket full of garbage, I doubt it would mind.

That would be my legacy, folks and folkettes. I like to see it as a continuation of the space program, like what Reagan did with “Star Wars,” only it will be met with more massive approval by the entire country than the Gipper’s (environmentalists don’t count). Actually, come to think of it, this gives me a killer idea of how to win our country’s next great war: garbage bombs.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 23rd, 2007 at 10:31 pm and is filed under Editable Constitution. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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