The Rocky Mountain Collegian

April 11th, 2007

Get Any Job You Ever Wanted

Finally, anyone can have the job of his dreams. Be it an astronaut, a racecar driver, a fry cook, a KKK leader, or even another Ward Churchill, it is finally within reach. And given the stellar state of our U.S. economy, getting the job is that much easier!

You only need to add one little tidbit of information to your already immaculate resume, which consists of factual information like:

- Hard working (You want fries with that?)
- Policy maker (voted for George W. Bush in 2004)
- Environmentalist (recycled once over the course of the year)
- A leader (led Hughes Stadium in chants like “Dirty Mormons” at CSU football games)
- Business-minded person (a 6 pack a day keeps the problems at bay)
- Flexible work hours (assuming they’re talking about 2 to 10 p.m. You know, after you wake up.)
- Speak a second language (lol, rofl, n00b, gg, and 1337 are active in your vocabulary)
- Good with computers (with getting around the VPN host to download porn)
- A Patient Person (One of these parking spots will open eventually…)
- A People Person (Bought beer for minors)
- Can work under pressure (20 minutes until class and 5 pages to write)
- Athletic (CounterStrike is a full contact sport)
- Competitive (Out drank those hippies from CU at beer pong)

Tell me you aren’t drooling already to know my big secret.

Now just add this little tidbit to your resume, and you’ll be having the job of your dreams in no time (not applicable to janitorial positions):

- 2006 TIME’s Person of the Year

That’s right, people – YOU are the man of the year to the whole (as determined by a small consensus of magazine writers). You have now joined the ranks of famous people like Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Ayatollah Khomeini, Nikita Krushchev, and Jimmy Carter in Persons of the Year. Be proud. Shake it around.

Add this to your resume, and the employers will be competing over who will employ you first!

You can thank me after you return from Mars, you astronaut president fry cooks.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 11th, 2007 at 1:19 pm and is filed under Editable Constitution. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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