The Rocky Mountain Collegian

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the reel

September 19th, 2007

So, you stomped him real good eh Frankie?

Right, so I’ve got a game plan for all of you this Friday night. Ready for this one? Get out the pad and paper everyone.

Step number one is that you get drunk. Hell, you’re college students, that was probably on your agenda to begin with. With me so far?

Step number two is to head over to the movie rental shop (no driving drunk). How many students do we have here at CSU? Somewhere around 10,000? We’re going to have to organize this. Everyone needs to confer with one another to make sure we don’t all go to the same movie store. Or, we could all rent the movie and meet at someone’s place. Nose goes!

Step three is the best part. Once you are at said movie rental shop, you must rent one and only one item. Bloodsport. Yes, you read that correctly. That’s a big “B” followed by “loodsport”. Find it in the “Martial Arts” section… or more likely, the “Cult” section.

Seriously, I would not condone this sort of behavior unless you were already slightly intoxicated (you started with Step #1 right? See above paragraphs). 1988’s Bloodsport is one of the best martial arts films of the 80’s, and as a consequent, one of worst movies that has ever made it to the silver screen.

But it’s oh so good at the same time! Who knew Jean Claude Van Damme’s best friend was a Harley riding, beer drinking, street brawler named Ray? And what about his arch nemesis? A Chinese man with pectorals the size of my head named Chong Li. Oh, dude, and seriously… the soundtrack! Terrible, formulaic 80’s rock songs with excessive use of synthesizers and electric pianos featuring names such as “Fight to Survive”. Also, you will not even want to utter the word “montage” after viewing this movie for fear of angering Lono (who is of course the ancient Hawaiian god of fertility and music). I warned you, folks.

Did this post make any sense whatsoever? Of course not, but that was the point! I want you all to be curious enough to rent this movie, and enter the love-hate relationship with it that I already accepted years ago. Once you see Van Damme doing the splits in mid air while jumping over a Mongolian freak of nature whilst engaged in mortal combat, you will be a believer. In what, I am not sure. But you will be pious. What better time to get pious than when you are blitzed on a Friday night and watching low budget martial arts flicks?

(Apologies for the random nature of the preceding prose. Seriously, watch Bloodsport!)