Rocky Mountain Collegian – Blogs
Editable Constitution
September 14th, 2007
More Global Warming Hilarity
Don’t forget to not breathe during your next lecture class, as you are obviously contributing to the death of this planet.
As
Possibly one of my favorite examples of how ridiculous the global warming agenda is, is from everyone’s favorite country:
It turns out that anthropogenic (for you CU students, that means “man made”) global warming is a complete farce, and that even if we did all drive a Prius (whose battery development is far worse than any Hummer on the road), the Scandinavian moose would still put us over the edge and the earth would still be doomed in 9 years, according to Al Gore. Talk about your lose-lose!
The Antarctic ice levels are increasing. This disproves half of the “Gorey” details we’ve been preached about regarding global warming and our imminent doom. So if it isn’t happening on one end of the earth, that means it isn’t happening on the other, right?
Mostly! From the data that has been gathered about the Arctic ice cap, there are some absurd predictions made, like this one from the Washington Post, that the arctic ice caps “will shrink 40 percent by 2050 in most regions, with grim consequences for polar bears, walruses and other marine animals, according to government researchers.” It sounds like the polar bears are pretty screwed unless we do something about this Scandinavian moose problem. But, this report from the Washington Post, like most things that come out of the biased media, fail to report that research data about the ice levels in the Arctic only started to be recorded in 1979. So not even 30 years have gone by, and people are putting all their eggs in one anthropogenic basket already, completely sold on the idea that cow farts and Hummers are leading to the death of polar bears.
So these levels are the lowest they’ve ever been? If you believe
history can be revised, you’d be correct, but that would mean you’d have to erase the entire voyage of 1905 when Roald Amundsen (also a Norwegian like those pesky moose), managed to successfully sail through the
Below is a picture of Amundsen’s excursion through the “frozen” (ha!) North:
In fact, a man trying to do almost the same thing, Adrian Flanagan, was getting stuck in ice while trying to navigate the
Oh, and Al Gore got caught using his private jet to go across half the country, data in Laurie David’s global warming children’s book “The Down-to-Earth Guide to Global Warming” is false, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s global warming film went down the toilet.
And that, my friends, is how global warming has been debunked from north to south to
September 12th, 2007
6 Years Later: Still flipping the terrorists the bird
Remember 9/11? Good, now remember that as long as we continue to kick ass by taking the “jihad” to the terrorists in
The surge is working! But the Democrats are still accusing Four star General David Petraeus of lying (surprise, surprise…)
The new bin Laden tape is out, and while there is questioning as to whether the tape is real or not, two big points are made: Osama can’t recruit many more jihadists for his effort, even though the US (the enemy according to Osama and hippies) is in his backyard, and that Osama didn’t even say anything about another major attack against the Americans, rather he just ranted on some left wing talking points, the poor guy.
Fallujah is not being controlled by Marines anymore. It’s not even being controlled by the Iraqi army anymore. This battlefield of a city has now been handed over to Iraqi police, now that peace has been restored to that area of the Anbar province.
Another terrorist attack was foiled last week, this time in
Democrats have given up their unilateral defeatist campaign to lose the war, which is a great sign of progress. Not only does this mean that their whole election campaign was a joke (now more than it was in November), but also maybe now they can use their majority to get some work done in supporting our troops for real as opposed to just paying lip service.
There is also some talk about why Americans aren’t sacrificing anything in this Global War on Terror (now a banned term by Democrats, mind you) like Americans did in World War II with things such as buying War Bonds, rationing gas, and saving scrap metal for the troops (like the steel penny). To that I say two things: 1) The fact that we don’t have to or need to sacrifice our lifestyles to win a war is a fantastic sign as to how well our country is managing at home and in the war zone, and 2) Your extra long lines at security at the airport is sacrifice enough to me, as is your paying 3 dollars a gallon for gas if you wish think that as being a sacrifice for the war effort(even though, oil and gasoline have nothing to do with kicking the terrorists’ butt).
But I urge you all to remember that these terrorists will not stop attacking us until we succumb to their will. Fortunately, that will never be an option to Americans. If you don’t get what I mean, watch United 93 for the terrorist hatred and the US response, some old footage from 9/11 on the news to show the devastation that can be caused when we ignore a dangerous thug, and fly an American flag to show that Americans are still standing strong against this foe, and will not say “we surrender” as a compromise to people that want us dead.
So are Americans overdue for another can of cowardice from al Qaeda? No. Is al Qaeda overdue for a can of whoopass from the West? You betcha.
Have a Happy Patriot Day, and God bless
September 6th, 2007
Jerry Lewis is a bigot: Media mum.
Then how come only ABC and FOX news are the only big media outlets that picked up on this? But when a certain Ann Coulter says this, there is uproar in every single corner of the globe, leading to weeks of dissecting her comment, throwing hateful bigotry back at her, and plain old “ripping her a new one” on national TV and the internet.
I mean, Coulter never called Edwards a faggot (she implied it), but Lewis flat out called this “Jesse” a faggot. Plus, they both apologized. Where’s the equality? Maybe it’s because Coulter has some New York Times Bestseller books out, and Lewis doesn’t. Maybe it’s simple media bias towards conservatives. Or maybe it’s misogyny by the liberal Americans.
But thankfully, I don’t get hyped up over these pithy little names getting thrown around; and neither should you, seeing as how anyone who plays any computer game, anytime, anywhere, online (i.e. CounterStrike) will encounter the word “faggot” numerous times, as well as many other colorful words to illustrate frustration after getting “owned in the dome” or team-killed (for the benefit of all of us, I will not list them, or else I would get fired). Or how about just watching the beginning to The Breakfast Club, where “faggot” is spray-painted on Bender’s locker. Or the lyrics to the Dire Straits song “Money for Nothing”. Call me desensitized, but I prefer the term non-pansy. You just can’t get worked up over these little things.
So the next time you hear an offensive term, shrug it off and don’t be a pansy, you pansy. Instead, just resort to physical violence. That way you get exercise, you vent your anger, and you get out of class for free.
September 6th, 2007
Miss Teen South Carolina: Epitome of a blonde
“Recent polls show a fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?”
What answer would have if you were asked such a question? Try these ones on for size:
-Because these one fifth of Americans are infants. They’d be lucky to locate the map in the first place, let alone barf on it.
-Because one fifth of Americans are pulling your (the pollsters’) leg, and want to skew the results
-Because one fifth of Americans are un-American hippies, and refuse to locate the “bastion of imperialism/evil/Bush” for the sake of the planet.
-Because one fifth of Americans are stupid.
-Because one fifth of Americans attended a public school where geography and basic education were not required.
-Because the US isn’t on an Old World map.
-Because one fifth of Americans, in a desperate attempt to look macho during the poll, noticed that you can’t spell “Colorado” with a “U” and an “S.”
-Because they were too busy banging their teacher.
-Because the schools that one fifth of Americans went to are so poorly funded that maps were removed to cut costs/save the environment. You know, along with textbooks, music classes, PE, cafeteria lunch, teachers that were too good for the school and demanded way to much money… After all, they couldn’t just ask their parents, which would just be weird.
Or my favorite:
-The ones that can’t locate it on a map are blind! Wait…
Biased wording aside (it was a loaded question to begin with), this question was too much for our good friend, Miss Teen South Carolina, a.k.a. Lauren Caitlin Upton. When asked why one fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a map, she mustered up all of her wisdom in her skull full and mush and said (drum roll please!):
“I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should - our education over here in the US should help the US - or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”
“And that’s why we’re all gonna die…” - Mike Birbiglia
Sorry honey, “the Iraq” ain’t got nothin’ to do with locating the US on a map. Either you know where it is, or you don’t. How we fund school systems in South Africa only helps the South Africans, not Lexington High School (where Ms. Upton graduated).
To think that this is the kind of final product Americans are creating nowadays makes you feel uneasy, doesn’t it? Now Ms. Upton does have a case when she said she was overwhelmed and only heard a few words of the question, but it’s way more funny to talk about what happened before her explanation. It’s kind of like when liberals make jokes about Rush Limbaugh’s so-called “drug addiction,” and quickly ignore his explanation and response.
Am I just beating a dead horse by saying that she gave the blond response to a question? Yes. Will I be getting hate mail because I’m being mean? Yes. But does it feel oh so good (After all, “do what makes you happy”)? Yes.
September 1st, 2007
Welcome back! Politics away!
Welcome back faithful readers! I am very much looking forward to spending another year with you discussing the dirty side of politics (as if there ever was a clean side!).
So a quick roundup of what’s happened in recent weeks at Colorado State University:
CSU is back in session. So that can only mean one thing: Money woes! Yes, Katie and Trevor won the election this past spring, but I’m still seeing a big ol’ hunk of money I’m giving to Uncle Sam and Uncle Cam the Ram. So much for tax free textbooks, am I right? Clever campaigning you two, clever campaigning…
Parking woes continue. In an effort to be green and make green, CSU has increased its stranglehold on the parking situation. I know, I know, you’re asking the wonderful question of “HOW?!” To put things simply, expect to pay $300 for a Z-lot permit in a few years, as parking permits are getting more expensive in annual increments.
Oh, and don’t forget the fabulous work they’ve done with the Lory Student Center parking lot: Removing 30 possible parking spaces and replacing them with planters; any reason for this is beyond me. Could be some weird way of being eco-freaky (or as to quote CSU: “Go Green.” Ha!). This adds to the pain and joy (love-hate relationship, remember) of getting a non teacher parking space on just one full tank of gas in the parking lot!
Don’t forget the removal of the coin meters that we all remember with a passion, and replacing them with numbered spaces. Instead now you pay a little permit machine by 1) getting out of your car, 2) inputting your parking space number and paying at least 25 cents to get the cheapest ticket at the brand new, hi-tech permit machines, and 3) taking said ticket BACK to your car and putting it in a visible area so the parking police don’t give you a hefty fine of an arm and a leg (don’t worry, CSU will have you believe they grow back with time, or just put you on a donors list, I’m not sure which). So this whole trip takes about 2 minutes off of your parking permit time, as opposed to “feeding the meter,” so it isn’t really what you paid for. Plus there’s the added benefit of no more half-hour-for-just-a-quarter moments! A good ol’ Washington coin will now nab you 20 minutes of time. Talk about your money going farther… into CSU’s coffers! Yay! Gee, I wonder how that parking garage is coming along…
Changing topics just a bit, we move on to tuition. As if it weren’t anything new, tuition has increased (surprise surprise…). And while I can’t determine how much it will increase, an increase is an increase is an increase. What’s so bad about giving more of your money to a university? Well, aside from the inherent vices of socialism, and that you should be spending your money, there is the big problem of how the university spends the. While freshman and transfer students might not understand, they will simply have to wait and see in 2-3 years how CSU is funny with money.
Students, remember Common? $90,000 in student fees for a “free” (it’s still a funny joke) concert? Remember how Yellowcard was the last big name band to come through campus? Remember when CSU banned Fum’s Song because it wasn’t politically correct (even though if you are offended by being called a “sissy boy” you probably are one)?
Personally, I have not seen a great amount of improvements done that make me appreciate or enjoy the university any more than I do already with the increased budget CSU has. They painted the Clark Building, made the IM fields off limits during parts of the summer to regrow the turf, and turned the Student Plaza into a Neapolitan ice-cream sandwich. There’s plans for a new Computer Science building right on the plaza (only way to build it was to tear down the trees and rip up the grass that was already there, thereby making CSU eco-unfriendly), and adding the Transit Center to the Student Center and making it “green powered” (It still doesn’t make me ride the bus or even consider getting a bus pass), and the still-under-construction Academic Village for selected students only. Personally, I could live without these improvements, as I return to my favorite complaint: “How’s that parking garage coming along?”
But as was always said: “C&D are practical” and “Bill Ritter is improving higher education while also keeping it affordable.”
But consider yourselves lucky. You aren’t paying as much as other schools, you live in the #1 city in the US, and you aren’t getting your throat cut at CU!
However, this doesn’t mean that I support a riot or protest outside the president’s doors, nor do I think any change will come if you bang pots and pans during Penley’s State of the University speech to drown out what he’s saying. I personally believe that protests and riots are silly pieces of rubbish. Plus it seems quite cliché that the only way to expect change is to grab your torch and pitchforks and storm the castle or just vote (while toting millions of political bumper stickers on your car along the way). Instead, just be aware where your money goes as you give the blank check to Uncle Cam.
But I’ll retract all of my statements if the football team can win a bowl game. Hell, I might just settle if we beat the Buffs. Go Rams!
P.S. The plural of “referendum” is “referenda,” not “referendums.” Write that down.
May 4th, 2007
Pat Dollard gives troops a voice
Democrats and the media exploit the deaths, the negatives only, of this war to get their anti-war stance ingrained into our minds. By saturating the media and our minds with all the negative stories and pessimism of the war; such as playing videos of an American getting snipered on television, reminding us every single time an IED kills a troop or dozens of Iraqis, applying all of the conflict in Baghdad (such as Ramadi) to the rest of the country, having high ranking democrat officials withdraw their comments about justification for the war (Bush tricked us, etc.), and declaring that the war is lost (troops love you for that, Harry Reid!), the democrats and the mainstream media are successfully losing the war at home.
But who should really be talking? The democrats, who are undermining any success of this war solely for political gain, or the brave men and women that sacrificing their lives so that a troubled nation can rebuild into a flourishing beacon of democracy, freedom, and success in the Middle East?
Has anyone bothered to listen to what the troops have to say lately?
“Yeah I have listened to the troops lately. Did you watch the 60 minutes segment about the troops that are against the war?”
Yeah, that’s nice, even though anti-war troops are in the extreme minority as it is right now.
How about listening to what the troops that are in Iraq currently have to say? And how better to do it, then to strap on your own combat boots and film the troops in action in some of the hottest (literally and figuratively) parts the Iraq?
Enter Pat Dollard:
Dollard has switched from a Hollywood agent to a war journalist, so that he can send back to America the message of how the troops feel about the war; because after all, they’re the ones that are actually in Iraq, not Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi.
Armed with his camera, he travels from Iskandariyah (The Triangle of Death in Iraq) to Ramadi, documenting the lives of the troops who are fighting in a war that Harry Reid has recently called “lost.”
This guy’s got balls. Listen to what he had to say during his November 2006 interview with Maxim:
“CNN correspondents tend to send dispatches via satellite videophone from the relative comfort of fortified bases, the smoke from recent explosions pluming in the background. Me? I took my camera and went out on patrol with the men of the U.S. Marines. I was in the explosions.”
Here are many excerpts from actual troops in Iraq from the samples of his documentary “Young Americans.”
“CNN, they didn’t have anybody here… they were paying other Iraqis… using their homemade video cameras… selling it [what they videotaped] to the American press.”
“This one guy, from the Economist… this one guy, it must have been his first article, first time he’s been overseas, he came out here [with] no sleeping bag, no equipment, no nothing; didn’t write down any notes. And we read the article: Slander. Horrible. Saying that we kicked down doors and cursed at the women. Never, he was never on operation when we did that! Never!”
Dollard then asked the marine if the reporter “was just making quotes up.” To which the marine gave a shrug of affirmation.
“It’s a really bashing article, like how horrible we are. And the marines out here: we’re dying for this.”
“These kids get shot at… these guys have kids that were just born [back home], they haven’t even seen them yet! They might never see them because they might die. They’re going through this everyday. They’re doing so much stuff, they’re only 18 years old… and then there’s some jackass who comes in for two days, and then writes a bashing article. And now the marine reads this. How is he supposed to go on with confidence, how is he supposed to feel good about what he’s doing, how’s he supposed to feel good about… having to kill somebody when this guy writes a bashing article? You can’t do that, you can’t do that to these kids, they don’t deserve that.”
Or this from an apparent Iraqi soldier:
“Many of my relatives, they advised me to quit because I am the only male still to my parents… But I am not gonna quit. Because I want to help my country. If the Iraqis are not going to help their country, who will?”
Or what this marine had to say about Art Harris from CNN:
“Last year he exaggerated the s*** out of everything. This guy’s ridiculous.”
Or from another Marine in the field, what his opinion is about the anti-war sentiment here in the States:
“A lot of people back in America, they don’t know what’s going on over here. And they want to be all anti-war and stuff; but until you get here and you actually see the point behind the stuff, you don’t really know what’s going on. When they told us we were deploying here, I was like… we’re gonna go over here, get blown up, there’s no point behind it, it’s stupid. But once you get here… you see these people, you know they’re living people just like back in America, and you wanna do what you can to help them.”
“The insurgents, they blow up their [Iraqi] power, they blow up their water… There’s tons of people that beg us for water. We help them out, give them what we can to help them. Our whole mission is to support the people more than anything: Clean up the insurgency. All these people back there, they don’t know what’s going on. They don’t know that this is what’s actually going on. All they see is the bad parts of it.”
“If we weren’t here, it’d basically be whatever strongest insurgent group, they’d fight a civil war between themselves, and then one of them would take over and run the show from there… 10 years later, we’re gonna have to come back here again. Clean up now, and come home for good in a few years.”
“The voices of those who fight, the military, have been ignored. Military officers have challenged national policy and strategy before the war, and have made countless recommendations during the war which have been largely ignored. Even the hand selected and top performing General Petraeus has a hard time getting anybody to listen. Pelosi and Murtha can’t be bothered with meeting him. The rest of the democrats give cryptic responses while the Republicans just nod and say, ‘good job general.’ ”
That last one was an excerpt from an entry of an anonymous Marine officer about what Americans should know about the war. The entire article can be found here. I urge you to read it, simply summarizing it in a blog detracts from it’s importance to an American’s knowledge about the current conflicts that are being faced in Iraq.
Marine Corporal Tyler Rock of 1/6 Charlie Company, has made himself famous with reporting the good news in Iraq and bashing Harry Reid (it was in response to Reid’s now infamous “the war is lost” quote). This is from an email excerpt Rock had with Dollard:
“I am a marine in iraq that isnt getting the support from a senator [Harry Reid] that should support his fellow americans. when was the last time he was here. what does he know about us “losing” besides what he wants to believe. the truth is that we are pushing al qaeda out and we are pushing the insurgency out. we are here to support a nation.”
And this is the quote that made him famous:
“yeah and i got a [quote] for that d***** harry reid. these families need us here. obviously he has never been in iraq. or atleast the area worth seeing. the parts where insurgency is rampant and the buildings are blown to pieces. we need to stay here and help rebuild. if iraq didnt want us here then why do we have IP’s voluntering everyday to rebuild their cities. and working directly with us too. same with the IA’s. it sucks that iraqi’s have more patriotism for a country that has turned to complete s*** more than the people in america who drink starbucks everyday. we could leave this place and say we are sorry to the terrorists. and then we could wait for 3,000 more american civilians to die before we say “hey thats not nice” again. and the sad thing is after we WIN this war. people like him [Harry Reid] will say he was there for us the whole time.”
Not to mention that Pat Dollard has videos of an insurgent sniper getting owned by some artillery, which to me seems like retribution for airing an American soldier getting snipered on television.
These are the people that Americans and politicians should be listening to when it comes to the war. After all, who seems to know more about the war in general: CNN correspondents that are in
Listen to troops, and to quote Pat Dollard: “Prepare to have your opinion about this war changed forever.”
www.patdollard.com
April 26th, 2007
See, I told you so
Did I not say that the best way to go back to normal after the shooting was to not make this Virginia Tech event a spectacle?
The media and news reporters have been there for over 5 days. I’m pretty sure the shootings are done, guys. You’ve already saturated the media enough with it over the first 2 days. This is getting ridiculous. I feel for Virginia Tech now: Excessive media coverage sucks. Not to mention that NBC was cruel enough to air “nicer” parts of Cho’s video, thereby making his mission a success: getting on TV by shooting up his school; and getting on TV by acting out his favorite movie for the camera, in a movie he sent straight to the TV headquarters, i.e. a spectacle. Not to mention that NBC made copies of the material they received before reporting it to the authorities.
But then again, would it really be better if the media went back to covering Anna Nicole Smith 25 hours a day? Lord knows we need to know more about what drugs were NOT inside her body at the time than, say, the upcoming French elections.
We need a redeployment plan to get the media out of the war on
April 18th, 2007
Kerry has a silver lining
Kerry appears to be the first high ranking Democrat out there that is actually opposed to the firing of Don Imus. For once, I agree with him.
Rappers are denigrating to women and glamorize violence all the time in their music, and they get off the hook because they claim it to be freedom of speech. Al Sharpton makes racist and anti-semitic remarks, and he still has his radio show, arguing that it’s freedom of speech. Rosie O’Donnell is spreading racist, offensive, and anti-American hatred on both her blog and The View, and she gets off the hook because it’s freedom of speech.
Imus calls the Rutger’s women’s basketball team “nappy headed hoes” (ho’s/hos/hoes, pick a correct spelling), makes the subsequent apology, the Rutger’s women’s basketball team accepts his apology, and he still gets the ax. Not to mention that his type of radio show (he’s been known as a shock jock) should prepare us for these comments things he makes (so nappy headed hoes doesn’t sound completely out of the ordinary).
Freedom of speech for some.
One can experience worse language just by walking around on campus…
Anyway, getting back to Senator Kerry, here’s a snippet from what he had to say about the firing of Don Imus:
“I think that the… you know the punishment has to fit the crime so to speak. I think a long suspension, or a strong suspension met with his appropriate level, given that the team forgave him. To me it was in the hands of the young women. They made the judgment that they thought he was genuine and they felt they could forgive him. And I think it was appropriate to pay a price on the airwaves but I’m not sure that it was appropriate to say you’re off forever.”
I never knew Kerry had it in him. We finally agree on something for the most part: I would have let him keep the radio show without suspension, though. Rosie is more deserving of an ax than Imus.
April 17th, 2007
Virginia Tech: Why we must move on
At the time I am writing this, 33 people have turned up dead from the Virginia Tech shooting on April 16th, 2007. Hopefully that will be the final tally when the event has ended.
The shooter, whose identity is still undisclosed, shot himself after committing the atrocities we have witnessed. It has been determined that the spark to this killer’s rampage was a spat he had with his girlfriend. And like some generic drama movie, she was killed first, and the rest of shooter’s rampage began.
I did not hear about the tragedy until 10AM, after finally heading over to the Drudge Report. Needless to say, I was shocked and stricken with sadness that I just stared at the headline for next few minutes in silence.
A student that was driven over the edge. His emotions got the better of him. Probably more like his emotions completely consumed him.
So what do we do now?
Universities as a whole could shut down, increase police presence, or even go on lockdown for a few days; be it either through homage to the massacre or to make the campus feel safer.
Given, Virginia Tech will probably do just these things, as will most of the fellow universities in the area for a brief period of time. But what can America as a whole do with regards to the massacre? Take for example CSU: a university that is far from the incidents of today.
We havehad periods of silence and prayer for the victims and their families: I believe that this will be positive, and that we should do it again at the 1 year anniversary.
We could increase police presence. While this, in theory, would help stop the crime dead in its tracks, or at least reduce the occurrence of crimes on campus, it just could not work. Shooters can come in any disguise/attire/outfit/etc. that they please. Harris and Klebold were caucasian and blended in perfectly at Columbine. Charles Carl Roberts IV was a 32 year old truck driver when he appeared at the Amish schoolhouse. This VT shooter has been identified as asian.
You see where I’m getting at? Anybody could be the shooter. You can’t police everyone.
The only visual evidence that we could possibly arm ourselves with in defense against another school shooter is that he will wear a black jacket, as was the case with the VT shooter and Harris and Klebold. Even then, that would not guarantee a prevention of another attack.
There’s also the idea that’s being mulled around that universities are completely locked down for a few days, in case there are any other shooters that might find this as an opportune time to react. This, while an interesting idea, is downright impossible. Virginia Tech couldn’t do more than lock down a few buildings, and email/telephone students and faculty that a shooter was on the loose and to stay inside and away from windows. There’s not much more that they could have done for the university’s safety.
I doubt they could have had the whole university and students on full alert and complete lockdown, even if the national guard were there (of course, why would the national guard be there if nothing dangerous was expected?). Not to mention the heightened alert and fear complete lockdown would instill on students, making it impossible to actually get down to learning.
So what should America do?
Move on.
That’s right, move on. By showing that we have the ability to carry on with our normal lives after this terrible incident, the ability to show that we will not let this event get us down, I believe that it will have the greatest effect on getting America to heal and put this whole black eye behind us.
If we get too caught up in the past, with what has happened, we cannot move on.
I agree that we should do something to show our kindness and comfort to the victims of the massacre and their families. But if we end up doing too much, be it through lockdowns, university “police states” and going overboard on the “in memory of” moments of prayer and silence, we’ll just end up making what happened at Virginia Tech a spectacle; something I’m very certain of that the victim’s families would not want to happen. Much like the aftermath of Columbine.
So, don’t let this isolated incident weigh you, the students, down. Go about your normal lives.
By moving on, it will give any would-be student shooters less of a reason to go and shoot up their school: a spectacle will not be made of their activities. Show no fear, know that there is virtually no risk or chance of being involved in a school shooting. You have a much greater chance of dying in a car crash than in a shooting such as at Virginia Tech. Do you worry about dying in a car crash? No.
It is also a sad thing to see that the media is now constantly referring back to Columbine, refusing to let the events of 1999 go. Do not let the depression of a school shooting return to the public eye more than it has to. Yes, Columbine was terrible, but it was way in the past.
So here’s my request:
“Don’t ‘Columbine’ Virginia Tech.”
April 11th, 2007
Get Any Job You Ever Wanted
Finally, anyone can have the job of his dreams. Be it an astronaut, a racecar driver, a fry cook, a KKK leader, or even another Ward Churchill, it is finally within reach. And given the stellar state of our U.S. economy, getting the job is that much easier!
You only need to add one little tidbit of information to your already immaculate resume, which consists of factual information like:
- Hard working (You want fries with that?)
- Policy maker (voted for George W. Bush in 2004)
- Environmentalist (recycled once over the course of the year)
- A leader (led Hughes Stadium in chants like “Dirty Mormons” at CSU football games)
- Business-minded person (a 6 pack a day keeps the problems at bay)
- Flexible work hours (assuming they’re talking about 2 to 10 p.m. You know, after you wake up.)
- Speak a second language (lol, rofl, n00b, gg, and 1337 are active in your vocabulary)
- Good with computers (with getting around the VPN host to download porn)
- A Patient Person (One of these parking spots will open eventually…)
- A People Person (Bought beer for minors)
- Can work under pressure (20 minutes until class and 5 pages to write)
- Athletic (CounterStrike is a full contact sport)
- Competitive (Out drank those hippies from CU at beer pong)
Tell me you aren’t drooling already to know my big secret.
Now just add this little tidbit to your resume, and you’ll be having the job of your dreams in no time (not applicable to janitorial positions):
- 2006 TIME’s Person of the Year
That’s right, people – YOU are the man of the year to the whole (as determined by a small consensus of magazine writers). You have now joined the ranks of famous people like Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Ayatollah Khomeini, Nikita Krushchev, and Jimmy Carter in Persons of the Year. Be proud. Shake it around.
Add this to your resume, and the employers will be competing over who will employ you first!
You can thank me after you return from Mars, you astronaut president fry cooks.
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